Roots down deep
Blessed is the man...(whose)..delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Psalm 1:1,2
Lately, I haven't felt very spiritual. I haven't wanted to do the things I usually do. I usually like to study the Bible, write in my journal, and pray. Usually. But not lately. I don't feel like doing much of anything substantial. Instead, I feel like:
Popping popcorn on the stove and eating a huge bowl with tons of salt on it.
Reading inconsequential literature that does not make me stop and think.
Watching cable TV shows with titles like Top Design, Top Chef, Top Hairstyle, Top Insanely Large Family or anything that's Top.
That's what I feel like doing. It's all very fluffy and it feels cozy to me. I crave cozy. My friend Amy gave me a book on loss and this book suggested I should be very kind and tender to myself during this season of grief. I consider the popcorn, lite books and Bravo network shows all ways to be kind to myself.
I am grateful that during less stormy days, I have worked on my root system. By this I mean I have invested time studying God's word and understanding some of the Lord's many promises to me. I know, for instance, that He will never leave me or forsake me. He will love me with an everlasting love. He is close to the broken-hearted and near to those who mourn. My roots in the Word go deep. I believe. I believed before this storm and I still believe.
Because of this, even though I'm in a very dry place, spiritually, my roots are keeping me steady and nourished. I finally understand what Psalm 1 is talking about. I can feel that I'm the tree planted by the streams of water. The winds of testing and trial blow, but my roots keep me steady. My roots will not allow the storms of this life to knock me over. I will bend, perhaps, but I won't break. And even more encouraging, I won't wither (though I feel like it) and I will still bear fruit, in season.
I'm glad to be a tree.
I'm grateful for my roots.
5 comments:
Martie,
I'm so glad you wrote that blog because I'm feeling exactly the same way. My loss of my dad was over a year ago but lately, I've taken a severe beating by the extreme stress level of my job and my body started shutting down emotionally. I was a wreck at work, crying everyday and having severe mood swings. I knew my hormones were going haywire and went to my medical doctor who suggested I try Prozac to get me stablized. By the 3rd week on the meds, I was stable but still blank, null, void, empty. This is my 4th week and thank God, I'm starting to feel a little more energy but I still way a long way to go. I was doing the exact same things you were.... eating comfort food, reading romance novels (christian ones), watching movies....I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do my beloved Beth Moore study (that I'm leading this semester at my church!), I don't want to clean house (well, I never want to do that anyway), I didn't want to do the counseling job at our JH production this year (but I did it anyway....I was just a body going through the motions). I felt very guilty because I knew with my head that God was there for me, knew that He was still listening to my prayers but I felt (and still feel) so very far away from Him. I hate that feeling.....but I know from my past that He will get me through this valley and He will take me back up to the mountain top and I will feel His arms around me again. Your blog helps me to understand that I need this time of guilt-free rest from life. I've wrestled with the decision I made to even take a break from trying to be there for my widowed mother who has no ability to understand or care for my emotional well-being. For the last year, I've been a friend to her, shoulder to cry on, helper around the house, companion to go shopping with, have meals with, watch t.v. with, driven her to her dr appts.... but now I'm emtpy and have nothing left to give. For once, I needed her to understand why I was tired, moody and less than patient with her critical nature and I felt guilty because I couldn't do it anymore. I prayed to God for a reprieve, His permission to back away from her...I don't really know if He gave his permission, but I'm too tired to care. I just hope He will forgive me when I have the energy to ask for it again. Thanks for honest feelings and for helping me get through this time as well. It gives me hope to know that God can still use us to help each other, even when we don't feel like it.
Love You!
Nana Sheila
PS: My 6 months old granddaughter is the only thing that's been able to put a little joy in my days at work. All I have to do, is look at her photos I have surrounding me and I know I can keep going a few more hours to get through the day. I truly do thank God for this blessing. Sorry for the long note....I guess I needed to get my feelings out there. Thanks for listening to my ramblings...
Hey Martie, The death of someone you love dearly is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Grief is hard. You can't go around it. It's like a deep mudhole that you have to trudge through. I am still trudging a year and 7 months later. God sustains me everyday, because he is the one thing that is constant in my life. Friends like you who always encourage and listen mean more than you can imagine. Thanks for the card and constant encouragement and love. I want to be there for you as you have been for me. It's ok to have a little fluff I think. God heals us a little at a time like the tree whose roots are reaching to the stream and drinking a little at a time. Have a wonderful day and pop a little corn for me!! love ya! Linda
Grief is hard. I haven't lost a parent but I know that day will come. I've lost friends and seen children die. That was hard but I'm sure nothing like losing your dad. Hang in there. Time makes things better even when it doesn't feel like it. laura
Martie,
You have been heavy on my mind these last few days and I haven't received a notice on a new post from you in ages.... so.... I thought I'd drop in to see if you had written anything new. Now I know why the Lord has brought you to mind so often. I am praying for you. There are 2 quotes that remain on my bedside table, they are:
"God is more interested in our finding Him in life's struggles than protecting us FROM life's troubles." and,
"It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply."
As hard as both of those quotes are... life is hard. Remember that the depth of your grief indicates the depth of your love. It means your heart is working... just as it should. Beth Moore recently said, "agape love means risking the loss... but you love anyway." Just like the Father and Jesus did. I know your dad is blessed by the love you risked on him, and now you feel the pain of that vacancy he left... but he is not gone. He just moved.... a little further from you, and a LOT closer to HIM! Praise God, rejoice with him! Love you, Debbie
Have you read the book Heaven by John MacArthur? I have read it and people I know who have gone through a death of a family member say it has helped them to look at what is next for us. I will continue to pray for you as you grieve.
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