Green Byrds
Now appearing in the September 2009 issue of Bella Magazine.
I told the kids that my Bella assignment was to write about how our family is “going green.” “But we’re not going green!” Danny exclaimed. “I know!” I wailed. “That’s why this is such a hard assignment!”
I’ve been thinking about Going Green, Byrd style all month. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far. I recycle. For instance, I re-use all the kid’s funny lines and stories. If I didn’t recycle their clever bits, I wouldn’t have this column or my hilarious new book, The Kids Drank Pickle Juice. Even the title of my book is a recycled line from my friend Amy. She was lamenting the fact that she didn’t have any food in the house and her four small children were so desperate for nourishment, they were drinking pickle juice. I stole the line, er, I mean, I recycled it, and turned it into a soon-to-be bestselling book. I’m doing my part.
Oh, doing my part for the environment you say. Oh. That. I asked the kids for inspiration. “You plant a lot of flowers,” Danny said. “What difference does that make?” I asked. “Mom, it creates oxygen!” Gee whiz, he’s right. I am doing my part. I have many massive gardens. Weeds emit oxygen too, right?
“We reuse water bottles,” Julia chirped. “No, we don’t!” Danny argued. Julia was remembering that for several years I insisted that the kids wash and refill plastic water bottles. I was doing my part for the planet, heck yes I was. Then I read that it’s dangerous and cancer-causing to heat those water bottles, as I was doing when I sterilized them in the dishwasher . Gosh! I was trying to do my bit for the world by reusing the Dasanis. But once I heard I was potentially sterilizing my young ones, the environment was on its own. I couldn’t allow plastic spores to leech into their water, even if I was saving $8 a week by reusing the bottles. We stopped refilling the plastic water bottles. It’s really just as well because I was having nightmares about landfills exclusively full of Byrd crap: our old water bottles and a gazillion disposable diapers. So, like many of you, I did my part. I switched to aluminum water bottles. They are hip. They don’t leech plastic. And, they come in many fashion colors! That’s me, goin’ green. Doin’ my best.
Now, recycling is a great way to go green. Everyone should recycle. Email me and let me know how that’s going for you. See, another shameful secret up our way is that the Byrd’s don’t recycle. I say secret but our entire neighborhood knows so it’s not that hush-hush really. We don’t recycle. The shame! The absolute cryin’ shame! The kids berate me on a regular basis. Desperate to think of something we recycle, I cried out, “Hey, we give blood!“ I make it mandatory as soon as the kids turn sixteen. (Did you know 16 year olds can donate if they have parental consent and a photo ID? Give blood; it’s the gift of life.) I assured the teens that our family donates blood, that’s what we do to go green.
“That’s for humanity, not the environment!” Danny exclaimed. Oh, whatever. Go green, go red. All you feel is good. I just know I’m in favor of both giving blood and donating organs. My mother received a donor kidney nineteen years ago and Joe Kidney is still going strong. Therefore, whenever people start nagging me about recycling, I say, “We are organ donors. We are going to recycle our entire bodies.” That usually shuts them right up.
I do care about the environment, sort of. For instance, there are many hip reusable shopping bags sitting in the trunk of my van. They sit there, anxiously awaiting the day I will remember them before I go to Kroger, not after. In the meanwhile, I choose plastic and I re-purpose the seventy-five cheap plastic bags that come into the house each week. We use them as small trash cans liners and for lunch bags. We also use them instead of bubble wrap when we are sending packages. Great strides for the environment, right there.
I grew up in New England. The Yankees have a saying: “Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.“ That is something that the Byrds do every day. For instance, all summer I’ve been using a disgusting flavor of toothpaste. I refuse to throw it away until it is all gone. I suffer, how I suffer, but I will use it up….that’s how I roll. When it comes to wardrobe, we make do. The kids are well accustomed to hand-me-downs. The girls have made some really cute cut off shorts out of pants that are too short. They get their green from me, I think.
I do think that the next generation will be naturally more green. Julia, aged 11, wrote about going green in her blog. (Yes, she has her own blog.) She wrote:
I reuse my water bottles
I take short showers
I turn off the water while I’m brushing my teeth
I air dry my hair. Which is saving electricity (I think that’s part of going green).
I turn out the lights when I’m leaving the room.
I’m going to start unplugging the cell phone charger when I’m not using it.
See, Baby Byrd is goin’ green!
After much reflection, I think we are doing our part. We just can’t help ourselves. Much to my surprise, it turns out that we’re Green Byrds at heart. Go green!
I told the kids that my Bella assignment was to write about how our family is “going green.” “But we’re not going green!” Danny exclaimed. “I know!” I wailed. “That’s why this is such a hard assignment!”
I’ve been thinking about Going Green, Byrd style all month. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far. I recycle. For instance, I re-use all the kid’s funny lines and stories. If I didn’t recycle their clever bits, I wouldn’t have this column or my hilarious new book, The Kids Drank Pickle Juice. Even the title of my book is a recycled line from my friend Amy. She was lamenting the fact that she didn’t have any food in the house and her four small children were so desperate for nourishment, they were drinking pickle juice. I stole the line, er, I mean, I recycled it, and turned it into a soon-to-be bestselling book. I’m doing my part.
Oh, doing my part for the environment you say. Oh. That. I asked the kids for inspiration. “You plant a lot of flowers,” Danny said. “What difference does that make?” I asked. “Mom, it creates oxygen!” Gee whiz, he’s right. I am doing my part. I have many massive gardens. Weeds emit oxygen too, right?
“We reuse water bottles,” Julia chirped. “No, we don’t!” Danny argued. Julia was remembering that for several years I insisted that the kids wash and refill plastic water bottles. I was doing my part for the planet, heck yes I was. Then I read that it’s dangerous and cancer-causing to heat those water bottles, as I was doing when I sterilized them in the dishwasher . Gosh! I was trying to do my bit for the world by reusing the Dasanis. But once I heard I was potentially sterilizing my young ones, the environment was on its own. I couldn’t allow plastic spores to leech into their water, even if I was saving $8 a week by reusing the bottles. We stopped refilling the plastic water bottles. It’s really just as well because I was having nightmares about landfills exclusively full of Byrd crap: our old water bottles and a gazillion disposable diapers. So, like many of you, I did my part. I switched to aluminum water bottles. They are hip. They don’t leech plastic. And, they come in many fashion colors! That’s me, goin’ green. Doin’ my best.
Now, recycling is a great way to go green. Everyone should recycle. Email me and let me know how that’s going for you. See, another shameful secret up our way is that the Byrd’s don’t recycle. I say secret but our entire neighborhood knows so it’s not that hush-hush really. We don’t recycle. The shame! The absolute cryin’ shame! The kids berate me on a regular basis. Desperate to think of something we recycle, I cried out, “Hey, we give blood!“ I make it mandatory as soon as the kids turn sixteen. (Did you know 16 year olds can donate if they have parental consent and a photo ID? Give blood; it’s the gift of life.) I assured the teens that our family donates blood, that’s what we do to go green.
“That’s for humanity, not the environment!” Danny exclaimed. Oh, whatever. Go green, go red. All you feel is good. I just know I’m in favor of both giving blood and donating organs. My mother received a donor kidney nineteen years ago and Joe Kidney is still going strong. Therefore, whenever people start nagging me about recycling, I say, “We are organ donors. We are going to recycle our entire bodies.” That usually shuts them right up.
I do care about the environment, sort of. For instance, there are many hip reusable shopping bags sitting in the trunk of my van. They sit there, anxiously awaiting the day I will remember them before I go to Kroger, not after. In the meanwhile, I choose plastic and I re-purpose the seventy-five cheap plastic bags that come into the house each week. We use them as small trash cans liners and for lunch bags. We also use them instead of bubble wrap when we are sending packages. Great strides for the environment, right there.
I grew up in New England. The Yankees have a saying: “Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.“ That is something that the Byrds do every day. For instance, all summer I’ve been using a disgusting flavor of toothpaste. I refuse to throw it away until it is all gone. I suffer, how I suffer, but I will use it up….that’s how I roll. When it comes to wardrobe, we make do. The kids are well accustomed to hand-me-downs. The girls have made some really cute cut off shorts out of pants that are too short. They get their green from me, I think.
I do think that the next generation will be naturally more green. Julia, aged 11, wrote about going green in her blog. (Yes, she has her own blog.) She wrote:
I reuse my water bottles
I take short showers
I turn off the water while I’m brushing my teeth
I air dry my hair. Which is saving electricity (I think that’s part of going green).
I turn out the lights when I’m leaving the room.
I’m going to start unplugging the cell phone charger when I’m not using it.
See, Baby Byrd is goin’ green!
After much reflection, I think we are doing our part. We just can’t help ourselves. Much to my surprise, it turns out that we’re Green Byrds at heart. Go green!
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